Should I ?

Should I break my promise?
Should I pretend that everything is going well?
Should I regret what I should do but I didnt?
Should I ignore what my heart ask to do?
Should I ?

We meet by time, and separate by time...
We talk like friend, but we know is not just about "say hay"...
We joke each other, but we know it's to show who's stronger...
We look each other in silence, but our eyes know where to look...

We know what we should know...
We know what we hide...
We know like an old friend...

But now maybe we just decide to be just friend....
Not because we cant pass it together...
But it's because we wanna pass it together,
not now... not today... but soon....

Dengan Sederhana

Aku ingin mencintaimu dengan sederhana

dengan kata yang tak sempat diucapkan kayu kepada api yang menjadikannya abu  

Aku ingin mencintaimu dengan sederhana 

dengan isyarat yang tak sempat disampaikan awan kepada hujan yang menjadikannya tiada..

- Aku Ingin, Sapardi Djoko Damono -

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

Tepat 3 tahun silam,

kau berikan aku secarik kertas berisi puisi itu,

dengan sederhana...

Tidak dengan hiasan bunga ataupun pesta besar,

tapi hanya dengan sekotak kecil yang kau isi dengan cincin yang juga sederhana...

Masih ku ingat saat itu,

perkenalan sederhana yang bermula dari dunia tak nyata,

dengan sederhana kau menyapaku,

ku balas pula dengan sederhana,

Semua berawal dengan kesederhanaan,

Kau dengan sosok sederhana mu,

mengajak ku bertemu untuk pertama kalinya,

dan aku pun mengiyakan,

Di sana, di sebuah taman kecil,

kau datang dengan motor tuamu yang membuatmu semakin sederhana,

Tersenyum,

Ya itu yang pertama kali kau lakukan ketika melihatku,

Tak ada yang istimewa darimu,

Kaos dan jeans hitam yang lagi-lagi

menampakkan kesederhanaanmu,

selalu sederhana,

Kupikir pertemuan itu adalah yang pertama dan terkahir,

Karena kau pun tak kunjung mengabariku lagi,

Kau datang dengan kesederhanaanmu,

Dan pergi dengan sederhana pula,

Namun aku salah,

Setahun kujalani hariku tanpa sapaan sederhana yang kau tulis di tiap pagiku

Hari itu kau mengejutkanku,

Kutemukan lagi sapaan itu terselip di antara pesan singkat teman-temanku,

Kau datang,

Kita kembali bertemu,

Kau tak berubah

Tetap sederhana dan akan begitu selamanya,

Dan sampailah saat itu,

Kau mengajakku ke sebuah tempat,

Taman kecil dimana kita pertama kali bertemu,

Di sana, kau beri aku kertas itu bersama sebuah kotak kecil, sederhana

Di sana, dengan sederhana

Kau memintaku,

menjadi pendamping seumur hidupmu,

dalam kehidupan yang sederhana, katamu

Dalam doa sederhana yang kupanjatkan pada-Nya,

kutemukan jawab atas dirimu,

Ya... Aku telah siap

Menjadi pendamping hidupmu selamanya dalam kesederhanaan,

Hari ini hari itu, 1 Oktober

3 tahun telah berlalu

Kupikir kau akan kembali

Meski dengan sederhana, namun tetap kunanti

Hari ini hari itu, 1 Oktober

5 bulan setelah kepergianmu,

Kuberharap kau kembali,

Sama seperti kepergianmu yang kemarin, tapi aku salah

Kau tak kembali,

Dan tak akan pernah kembali,

Kini, kau benar-benar meninggalkanku,

Dalam kesederhanaan cintamu,

Tak mengapa,

Tenang saja,

Aku baik disini,

Bersama gadis kecil mungil yang kau berikan padaku, sesederhana dirimu

Tak perlu kau khawatir di sana,

Kami baik-baik saja,

Rumah kecil sederhana yang kita beli bersama,

Masih penuh cinta, meski tanpa hadirmu,

Tenanglah,

Usah kau risau di sana,

Aku dan gadis kecil ini,

Akan tetap mencintaimu dan kesederhanaanmu,

Kuharap kau baik-baik saja disana,

Bersama Ia yang jauh lebih mencintaimu,

Hari ini, 1 Oktober

Ku datang padamu, dengan sederhana...

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Kulipat kertas itu,

setelah untuk kelima kalinya kubaca berulang,

Kuletakkan di atas gundukan tanah sederhana

Yang menyelimuti jasadmu, di depan nisan yang berukir nama sederhanamu,

Maafkan aku karena tak bisa mencintaimu dengan sederhana,

Seperti engkau mencintaiku dalam kesederhanaanmu,

Karena bagiku kau tak sekedar sederhana,

Kau lah hal luar biasa yang pernah ada dalam hidupku,

Kuusap nisanmu dan kucoba berdiri,

Di sampingku, gadis kecil mungil itu bertanya,

'Kenapa Bunda Menangis?'

Kujawab hanya dengan senyuman,

Melihatnya, sama seperti melihatmu,

Melihatnya memandang hidup dengan sederhana,

Sama sepertimu,

Kugandeng tangan kecilnya,

"Ayo Pulang"

Ya... kami pulang, ke rumah kecil sederhana yang kita miliki...

Makassar, 1 Oktober 2010

6.39 AM

segala hal dalam hidup bermula dari sesuatu yang sederhana

- Pratiwi Hamdhana AM -

*transmigrasi dari note facebook*

C-R-U-S-H

Why do I keep running from the truth 

All I ever think about is you 

You got me hypnotized 

So mesmerized 

And I’ve just got to know

I'm trying to ignore them...
Ignore what I feel
Ignore what I ask to my self
Ignore what The Fate wants
Ignore all the things about you who already ruin my mind
I'm trying...
But As much as I try, as much as I fail

Do you ever think 

When you’re all alone 

All that we could be 

Where this thing could go 

Am I crazy or falling in love 

Is it real or just another crush

Am I crazy?
Am I truly in Love with you?
Oh... Damn... I hope it's just another CRUSH...
You came to my life
Just for a simple reason
But now I have no reason to ignore you

Am I Crazy?
Am I truly in Love with you?
Oh... Damn... I hope it's just another CRUSH...
You came to my life
Sometimes show up, sometimes hide
But now what I want is just show my self to you and never want you hide from me

Am I Crazy?

Am I truly in Love with you?

Oh... Damn... I hope it's just another CRUSH...

You came to my life

Completely fill in my every dream

And I wish to never wake up

Am I Crazy?

Am I truly in Love with you?

Oh... Damn... I hope it's just another CRUSH...

You came to my life

Show me how smart you are

Make me to be the most stupid girl in the world

Am I Crazy?

Am I truly in Love with you?

Oh... Damn... I hope it's just another CRUSH...

Do you catch a breath 

When I look at you 

Are you holding back 

Like the way I do 

’Cause I’m trying, 

trying to walk away 

But i know this crush ain’t going 

Away 

Going away

The first time we met
Did you know that I didn't look into your eyes?
Did you know that I didn't  really recognize your face?
Did you know that I didn't fully concern in our short conversations?
Did you know all those things?
Did you know why?
Because I even cant breath well when I stand too close to you

Has it ever crossed your mind 

When we’re hanging, 

Spending time, girl boy, are we just friends 

Is there more 

Is there more 

See it’s a chance we’ve gotta take 

’Cause I believe that we can make this 

Into something that’ll last 

Last forever 

Forever

Has it?
Have you ever think about it?
Have you ever think about me?
Have you ever think about our chance?
Have you ever think about the time we spent together?
Would you like to make it something last forever?
Would you?

Would you like to wait until the right time and make it completely pure and last forever?
No matter how I ignore you and this feeling, the most that I can't ignore is my promise to my self, a note for my self, what I believe, what I hold on, and what I keep in my faith...

I never could remember when  the first time we know each other, the only detail that I remember is you added me on facebook with a very simple reason...

Then we're friend... That's it...

But, someday, you came to me again, chat with me, laughed with our silly chat, sometimes we talked something serious, sometimes we fooled each other, sometimes we give compliment each other, too much sometimes that we spent together untill I realized that I was addicted into it...

I'm looking it in every night, What the hell happened to me? Am I completely in love with you?

Is it? Love is a sacral word for me, I never believe that I'm really in love to someone even It is...

What I believe is, for me fall in love is something special and it just happen once in someone's life, so I thought it just another crush...

The fact is I'm not a girl who always got a crush into someone... It's my 3rd crush...

The 1st one is someone that I've been waiting till 7 years and really wanna meet him even just for the last time, just to make sure that I'm not hanging my self into him anymore...

The 2nd one is the most silly crush case in my life... I'll always smile and sometimes laugh if I remember about this 2nd one... Obviously stupid... We never meet, seperate by ocean ( the 1st too, but it's near to catch up, Kuala Lumpur) but this 2nd one was so far... 

And here I am, stuck into this 3rd... Dream it, Feel it, Hoping it, We just met twice... Sounds weird, eh? That's me... Someone weird who got crush...

Let me tell you what side from this guy who already drive me crazy...

He's smart specially in speech

He's ...

He's...

He's...

I cant find more reasons why I stuck in him... 

I cant find more reasons why I adore him...

I cant find more reasons why I crush with him...

I cant...

I just like him just the way he is...

A Little Thing Called Love

yyaaaaayyy..... I'm baaaacckk.... *punch* :D

anyway I'm in a really good mood to write ... because I just cried, sounds strange, eh?

Yup... I just cried because this silly stupid funny movie...

maybe you wondering why I cried when I watched a funny movie...

because the story was so touching and was soooo me... it's seems my story at the past... 

I'm not gonna review this movie, you can find it in google-he knows everything- or you can read here

what I'm gonna tell you is about how that crazy little thing that we usually called love can change us, turn us from zero to hero, make us become something from nothing or make an ugly dug become a pretty swan...

how could be?

did we really know what love it is?

have we meet it before?

how could we know it's a love while we never know how it's shape? circle? square? elipse? did we know it?

no... we didnt, and we never ever could meet it... it's absurd, untouching, silly, but as most as we deny it, we know more that we need it...

okay... let me tell you some spoiler about this movie...

it's a klise topic actually,  an ugly girl who fall in love to her senior and keep that feeling without tell him even actually they have a same feeling, and the girl, Nam, was tried too hard to attract his attention, starting to do some weirdo love methods, dress up her self into a pretty girl and time by time she, from an ugly duck became a very pretty swan, and everyman adore him, but there is only one man who keep staying in her heart, yeah... her senior who never be brave to tell Nam that he has a same fell because his bestfriend like Nam too, and as their promise-a promise between boys-they couldnt be in love with a same girl... anyway, that's not my point, what I wanna tell here is about how long we've to wait until we meet our Mr/Ms. Right? one week? one month? one year? ten years?

in that movie, in graduate, Nam told Chon, that boy who she in love with, that she love him, she has turn to be a swan just for him, bun how unlucky she is, Chon already make a relationship with Pin,his classmate, one week ago... yeah... she was late..

maybe we have heard that If we love someone, tell him/her as soon as possible, before too late or somebody do it before you...

but sometimes we dont have a strong heart to say it, we just scare about the rejection, we just scare about our heart to be hurt, yeah.. we just scare that our love will never been replied... we just too scared...

and after 9 years, when Nam back to Thailand, she was studied fashion in America, and became so famous now, in a talk show, finally the time meet them, their destiny has been put in same time in a same  place, yeah... after 9 years, which is mean Nam have been in love to Chon for almost 12 years... can you imagine that? your brain, your heart, is only for one person, that you always waiting for, 12 years is not a short time... it's a very long time to keep that feeling to be faithful... and as a mostly romantic movie did, it's a happy ending story, when the prince got his princess...

Nam was an ugly duck

then transformed into a pretty girl

finally, she is a SWAN

but c'mon... we didnt live in a fairy tale world, we live in a realistic one, we dont have waste our time for waiting someone who couldnt be guarantee that she/he will be our long last love forever...

yeah... we did live in a kind of world like that... but is it wrong when we dream to be a princess in this life? not,,, it wasnt wrong... the only thing that wrong is when we just became so addicted to that person and we might never know that maybe there is someone else who waiting for us, that maybe we just not into him/her, that maybe she/he just not into us, that maybe we got a wrong feeling, that maybe, maybe,maybe and many more... so why we should lose another chance to get a better love and sacrificing our feeling for something that we didnt sure yet?

hahahaha,,,, how clever I talk... it sounds like I never do that stupid silly things before...

I did it... yeah... I have been waiting for almost 7 years just for the boy that I just talked with him once, can you believe that?

oh not once, but twice if when she ordered me to swept the floor in my class in count...

that was the first time he talked to me, as my seniors, he asked me to swept those floor but I reject it, not because I dont wanna do it, but I suddenly act so silly and lose control and I even didnt think what I said... *sigh*

and the second one in front of library, he called me and ask me "are you pratiwi hamdhana?, and for your information, I didnt use my shoes at that time, I even didnt use a slipper because I just back from pray-even I didnt really like use shoes in any condition-then, I answered "yes", he said next "okay, you might go" 

THAT'S IT!!!!

after that,no more conversation, no more chat, no more... but I more adore him, I adore how smart he is, I adore how charismatic he is... until he graduate and continue his study in one of favorite HSH in my town and silly me, the only reason why I want to continue my SHS in the same school with him not because it's a fav school, but there is HIM...   so silly, eh? yeaah... 

but God know me better, I didnt pass it...

time by time, I keep in search information about him, and he graduate his SHS faster because he smart, he just need 2 years to pas his SHS, and then he continue to collage not in Indonesia, but in Malaysia...

I just knew it when in 3rd grade in SHS, and finally I decided, I'll looking for him, try to find some information, but I make a deal with my self, when that time I couldnt find him, I'll erase him and continue my life without anythings about him, but once again, God know me better... it's a very easy to know where he is, where he study, I even got his YM and his mobile number... then we were friend in YM and facebook then... he has a girlfriend at that time -and now he has a fiancée- 

in a short story after collect my bravery I decided to told him that I've been adore him for almost 7 years... I couldnt say that I'm in love with him because I never know what love it is, so let just we say it a crush... 

I told him by email, I still remembered that time, I sent that email from internet cafe, 10-15 minutes from my home, at 10 PM, after sent it, I walked go home, really walked, and regret what I just did, how I could be so silly stupid girl...but It happened and at the morning I got his reply...

he told me that why I just told him? why I didnt told him when we still in Junior High School... it was too late now, because he has a girlfriend-I knew that, I even be his GF's friend in facebook-then after that I never reply that email again...

I thought I'll forget him, but it wasnt as easy as I know.. but dont worry time is a very good medicine for those who has heart break ill-or let we say something like that-

Now, I'm fine, even sometimes still think about him who already have a fiancée there...

yeah, I'm okay... 

I just wanna thanks to him who already gave another color in my life...

thank you for your unawareness fill in my mind at that time,

thank you for your passiveness to me who always seeking on you,

thank you for keep in faithful to fill page by page in my life's book,

thank you to allow me adore you even I did it in silence,

thank you because of you I braved to speak up,

thanks for you, my past man...

anyway, we are friend now, not too close, just a friend in YM and facebook, and did some chat about something...

and as you know, even maybe he know me earlier and lucky me he has a same feeling-in case-I still couldnt make any relationship to him bacause I've promised to my self, to my God, to my faith, that I wont make any closer relation to any man until someone propose me to marry him... *it sounds so weird in this era now, but that's my faith and I'll always to keep it in right way...

so, for you who have been waiting for someone or who have been so scared to tell someone how much you love him/her, I recommend you to watch this movie...

*big hugs*

Tiwi 

my random facts #1

yeaaah... long time no see my blog....

It's kinda busy for me this months, a lot of deadline, my new project is starting now and I have to handle it, and some trouble to manage which are one of them is my lazy habit... Oopsss...

actually I dont know what to write, anyway I just did a movie marathon tonite, alone in my home because my families went to my family's wedding in Sorowako, as you know it's 10 hours far from here, so yaaa... it's faaarrrr faaar away... :D

Oh ya, I watched easyA and the old one (not really old actually) If Only, the 1st movie completely made me laugh and teach me something about helping people with lying which is only bring you to big trouble, and at the end you should be responsible on it, and the 2nd one, completely made me drop down my tears in the end.... someone had told me when I update my status on facebook that I'm watching If Only, to be careful of cry, and at the beginning and in the middle, it just kinda usual romantic movie, but at the climax, it's successful made me cried... an unfair ending, thy should be together, not separated by death...

for those who never watch it, I suggest you to do it immediately....

anyway... here we go...

tadaaa.... I present you some random facts about me, which is maybe you dont have any interest to read it, hehhee

1. I use my wristwatch on the right, not on the left one which is a lot of people usually did it, I dont know why, but I just felt comfy when I put it on the right... 
2. I got one new habit, I forgot when it started, but for now when I go to toilet and take a p*p, I always bring a book, something to read, and I can spent extra time in that not to finish my human activity (re: p*p), but to finish one chapter of that book I read... 
3. I'm a delay person, especially in wake up moment, I just always wanna make it click with the time which is I mean here is in case I wake up at 6:26 AM, then I'll delay it until 6:30 but the facts is I always delay it until 3 times, so it'll be around 7:00 or 7:30, whenever it is, it must click-the minutes- I dunno why but just feel right when you wake up at the 'click' time.
4. Insomnia is my middle name-since work as a movie editor when junior high school and always awake in the middle nite to edit video-until now my habit became uncontrolled... noon or nite is just the same to me... I work at noon and still work at nite..
5. Rat haters, yeah... I hate rat,mouse, or whatever you call that dirty creature, and lucky me, I always can feel when it su*ks animal around me even in some meters far... I prefer to take care a lion or a cheetah-I really wanna have a white cheetah as my pet-than a rat. Rat is the only one animal who can make me cry and jump up to my table and sleep on there, damn!
6. Movie addict - that's why I wanna be a movie director, even my dad didnt allow me to continue my study in IKJ-Intitut Kesenian Jakarta (Jakarta Art Institue)-but anyway I already made my own movie with my friends in SHS, and the title is "Di Antara Kita", I'm a director, a half script writer, and at the last grade in SHS, I became a director of our last art project which is a drama musical, the title is "Anumarta dan Alika", a Romeo and Juliet in traditional version
7. Independent - sometimes I just felt "Am I too independent so sometimes people around me didn't offering me some help?", but yeah... I usually do all my things alone, that's my fault to make my self always think that I should do something or finishing sometime by myself and didn't trust someone to take care about it, yeah... My trust to people is less, but now I'm trying to make it bigger :D
8. Easy to got a crush, believe it or not, actually it's a little bit personal, but I already decided to share about my facts, so here we go... I'm a very loyal person, if I like someone then I'll like him until unpredictable time, but I'm too easy to get a crush on someone, even I never see him before-based on my past actually,ooppss- :D, I can got a crush with someone who can balancing me in chat, who smarter than me, who have a humor sense lot than me, and the silly one who can beat me in any debates...
9. I'm -of course- a day dreamer... my wish lists became longer and longer, I'm dreaming, find a way to make it true and bring it to the reality... some years ago, I've dream to go abroad until I know one BIG news that someone who I looking for about 7 years were living in another country, then I decided to take a big step, yapp... I saved my money to go there, until I know a backpacker world, so, I wanna thanks to this man, because of him-my silly reason to go abroad-finally I'm in love with my new world as a traveller or you can say a backpacker, *sigh* anyway, I never meet this man, in my 1st trip, my 2nd, and next on August 2011, I dunno will I meet him or not... I'll tell my story about this in another post... 
10. I really love to find money, everything I do to get it-in Halal way of course- for me, money is not everything but everything need money, so.. big bullshit for them who said didnt need money or money is unimportant things.. with money we cant buy a love but we can make our love more precious, with money we cant buy a soul but we can make our body health, with money we cant buy a happiness but we can make ourself happy to buy things what we love... but UNDERLINE this... I'm not a materialistic girl, I never use somebody else's money, I use mine, and I never exploit someone to give their money... yaa... I'm not the materialistic girl, but I'm the realistic one..

that's all, if I have a silly mood again, I'll post another facts... anyway it's 5:15 AM, and I'm still awake to finish all my duty - layout wedding invitation , a yasinan print , a banner layout, etc - and thanks God I already spent a few hours to sleep in this afternoon so I'm still have a bit energy to did this INSOMNIA which is sponsored by all that jobs..

see you on my next post...

anyway, I've a plan to feel a different ramadhan in abroad,

I already have the ticket...

*just share a little surprise, :D